The Indian concept of Marriage

I recently came across a YouTube video that said the logic of Indian parents is that ‘you are not supposed to speak to strangers but you can marry only strangers’. Marrying a complete stranger? What logic is that? Is it as horrible as we think? Let’s analyze.

I don’t intend to compare love marriage with arranged marriage through this article. I am just trying to give an outline of what a marriage looks like when it comes to the social fabric in India.

As everyone may know India is bound by a number of cultures, languages, art forms, etc. The day to day life of a person in one state may be entirely different from another. In a single state, there are other small communities. Inspite of these, everyone recognizes themselves as ‘Indians’.

An outline of the process

When a man or a woman becomes capable of handling a family independently (completed full education and after getting a job in most of the cases), with the man or woman’s permission their parents start looking for a bride or groom preferably from their own community.

Question: Is it the parents' sole decision to start looking for a bride or groom? Never, it should be with the permission of the man or the woman who is preparing to get married.

Question: Is it necessary to find a match from their own community?

It is preferable because as I mentioned the day-to-day life of a person in each community may differ. So getting married to a person in a different community can take some time to adjust.

So the parents come up with their son’s or daughter’s biodata showing their location, job, etc. There are a number of platforms that show a list of boys' or girls' biodata including a photo.

From among the list or other sources, a suitable match is found based on many factors like education, qualifications, family background, etc. The parents of the boy or girl also try to get in touch with some relatives or friends who may know about the family and the boy or girl whom they have found as a match.

Question: Again, do the parents solely decide all these?

No, parents can help in finding a match but the final decision is up to the boy or the girl.

If everything goes well and a match is selected, the 2 families along with the boy/girl agree to meet each other to get more familiar. At that stage, the boy or girl can finally decide if he or she is ready to start his/her life with the other person.

Question: What if the parents liked the match but their son/ daughter didn’t like the other person or their family, will that marriage take place?

No, because the final decision is with the person who is going to marry. As I mentioned, parents help them in the process and guide them to find the right person with their experience.

If everything goes on well, marriage takes place which is essentially a union of 2 families. The boy and girl promise to take care of each other’s families. Through the very sacred process of ‘kanyadhana’, the girl is gifted to the boys’ family by her father.

Please note that the traditions may slightly vary with the community.

Question: How can we start living with a stranger without knowing in depth how/she is going to be?

It is like we are planning to buy a house, we liked the locality and the house when we made short visits a couple of times. But the realtor is not going to allow taking a trial where we can stay there for a few days and decide! If we liked the house, we buy it and once we start living there we will try to get adjusted to everything. We can look for other houses or take another house for rent if we don’t like the house, but most of us will try to adjust to the existing environment.

Similar is with marriage, we got familiarized with the boy/girl and their families through the processes before marriage, no one is perfect in the world! So, we adjust each other.

The key takeaways:

• Most importantly, the way I think at 20 years may be entirely different from how I think at the age of 30 or 40. So, when I am selecting a partner on my own at 18 or 20, the decision can be immature and lacking farsightedness. In this, you are deciding whom you have to marry but with your parents' guidance and supervision so that they can better advise you with their experience
• This involves the union of 2 families and not just 2 persons, so the family members are in a way responsible if there are any problems and sometimes they will be easily able to solve marriage related problems through small counseling from their end
• There are no preconceived notions: The marriage starts like a clean slate as the 2 people don’t know each other. In the beginning, it can be slightly difficult to adjust, but as we learn more about the likes and dislikes of the partner, we try to avoid the things the other person doesn’t like and get adjusted
• Divorce is discouraged in the system as it can have a significant impact on the life of the person, their family, their children, etc. economically, mentally, and socially. So, generally, families try to make well-informed decisions to avoid a divorce in the future, at any cost

These lines should not be crossed:

Does the Indian marriage system guarantee a 100% successful marriage? Not always, there can also be cases in arranged marriage which can end up in a divorce, but the divorce rates are comparatively lower. There are also several cases where this system is misused.

• Some people consider girls or women as a burden and if they want to get rid of this burden somehow, there are situations where they are made to marry at a very young age without giving much importance to their education or career
• There are also situations where the opinion of the girl is not considered when it comes to her own marriage. She is forced to marry the person whom the parents find for them. But this is not at all supported by the Indin traditions. In the olden days, there used to be something called ‘Swayamvara’ where a set of princes from the nearby kingdoms are invited, and the princess has to select her own partner from this set of princes who gather at the event. So, note that the women were given complete autonomy in choosing their partner
• Some people also consider girls as if they are some trading commodities and demand a lot of money or gold (dowry)in exchange for marrying their son. If the girl’s family is not able to pay the amount demanded by the boy’s family, her life can be in trouble

There are so many situations like the above which can put especially a girl in trouble, although it's not seen widely in India nowadays. Through proper education given to girls, to a certain extent these anti-social activities could be controlled. We should not forget the fact that traditional Indian society has always respected women and according to the Indian culture, women are considered to be the pillars of their families and in turn the society and the country.

The real benefits of such a traditional system come out when it is correctly followed without being misused!